Controlling things out of our control: It’s impossible to do but why do we try so hard to do so?
Have you ever found yourself exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed, trying to control things that are simply beyond your grasp? You’re not alone. Many of us spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on situations we cannot control, which can lead to significant stress and fatigue. Understanding why this happens and how to shift our focus can be incredibly empowering.
The Science of control
1. The Illusion of Control
Our brains are hardwired to seek control and predictability. When we think we have control over a situation, it reduces our anxiety and stress levels. This is known as the "illusion of control." However, when we attempt to control the uncontrollable, this illusion is shattered, leading to heightened stress and emotional exhaustion.
2. Cognitive Load
Focusing on things outside of our control increases our cognitive load—the amount of mental effort required to process information. This mental overload drains our cognitive resources, leading to feelings of overwhelm and fatigue. Our brain is constantly working to solve problems that it simply cannot solve, resulting in mental exhaustion.
3. Fight or Flight Response
When we perceive a lack of control, our body's fight or flight response is activated. This response floods our system with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this is useful in actual danger, chronic activation due to trying to control the uncontrollable can lead to long-term stress and emotional burnout.
4. Emotional Avoidance
Sometimes, focusing on uncontrollable aspects of life serves as a distraction from more immediate, controllable issues that we might find uncomfortable or challenging to address. This avoidance can create a cycle where we feel increasingly stressed and overwhelmed, as we fail to make progress on issues we actually can influence.
Why do we want control
1. Desire for Predictability
Humans crave predictability and stability. When faced with uncertainty, we often attempt to impose control to create a sense of order. This desire can lead us to focus on things that are outside our control, in an effort to feel more secure.
2. Fear of the Unknown
The unknown can be more frightening than familiar challenges. By trying to control the uncontrollable, we may be attempting to mitigate our fear of the unknown, even if it’s an ineffective strategy.
3. Coping Mechanism
Engaging with uncontrollable factors can sometimes serve as a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with more direct, controllable issues. This misplaced focus can create a cycle of avoidance and overwhelm, where we feel stuck and drained.
Focusing on What You Can Control
To break free from this exhausting cycle, it’s crucial to shift your focus to what you can control. Here are ten strategies to help you regain control and reduce emotional overwhelm:
Identify Your Sphere of Control Write down things that are within your control and those that are not. Concentrate your efforts on the former.
Practice Mindfulness Mindfulness helps you recognize when you’re focusing on uncontrollable thoughts and brings you back to the present moment.
Set Realistic Goals Break larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks that you can control and accomplish.
Develop Healthy Routines Establish daily routines that include healthy habits like exercise, meditation, and adequate sleep.
Improve Communication Focus on how you communicate with others. Express your needs clearly and practice active listening.
Enhance Problem-Solving Skills Develop effective problem-solving strategies for issues within your control.
Build Emotional Resilience Engage in activities that boost your emotional resilience, such as journaling, therapy, or connecting with supportive people.
Prioritize Self-Care Regular self-care practices can replenish your mental and emotional energy.
Practice Acceptance Learn to accept things you cannot change. Acceptance is about acknowledging reality and focusing on what you can influence.
Cultivate Gratitude Regularly reflect on what you are grateful for. This practice can shift your focus from what you lack control over to the positive aspects of your life.
By understanding why we are drawn to trying to control the uncontrollable and recognizing the science behind why it is so exhausting, we can begin to shift our focus. Empowering ourselves to concentrate on what we can control not only reduces emotional overwhelm but also enhances our overall well-being. Remember, true empowerment comes from within and focusing on the aspects of life where your influence truly matters.
